Emmett Humors Us All
by MyLifeIsEdwardCullen
Summary: A Series of One-Shots which explores how funny and sometime dumb Emmett is! Better than it sounds. Give it a try! Sometime AH.
1. EGGS AND BACON!

**Ok so I was thinking this to be a series of one-shot displaying Emmett's humorous side! Me and my friend come up with these at random moments. Enjoy!**

**They are Vampires. They are planning something for Edward. Bella is, well I don't know where she is, me and my friend just didn't include her in this story lol:**

**Alice POV**

"Have we all got the plan, guys?"

There was a chorus of "Yeah!" except from Emmett who stood with a blank look on his face.

_Big shocker! _I thought sarcastically.

"Emmett?", I waved a hand in front of his face.

"Wha...Huh...cheese!" He exclaimed randomly.

_Oh Boy..._I rolled my eyes.

"Have. You. Got. The. Plan? EMMETT?"

"What plan? Huh? Are you guys planning to throw me in a well or something? Please don't!! I'm too young to die! Oh wait, I can't die....okay you're good!"

"WHAT THE HELL?!" We all yelled at him.

"Rosie, make them stop yelling at me," He pouted.

"Emmett, I would but, since they have a point…."

"ANYHOO!" I said. I explained the plan to Emmett, making sure that, this time, he was actually listening.

It's not that Emmett's stupid or anything, well maybe he is a bit loosely-wired, he just has a REALLY short attention span. Wait, I don't think he has ever in the first place….

"Got it Emmett?"

"Got it psychic!"

I had a vision, I saw Edward walking up the front steps to the house.

"GUYS! Edward's going to be here in"-I looked at my watch-"two minutes. He is NOT to know about the plan. Okay? Now occupy your thoughts."

"Oh, and Emmett?" Rosie added.

"Please don't let me down" She said.

"Aw Rosie! Emmett could never let you down….any further..than he already has because you know there is a limit to everything." I giggled.

"Hey!" Emmett said.

"Whatever," I mumbled.

"Okay. He's here. Go!"

I started translating Pride and Prejudice into Greek.

**Edward POV**

As soon as I walked through the door I knew something was wrong because everyone was hiding their thoughts from me.

I looked over at Alice who was translating Pride and Prejudice into Latin.

_What the Hell? _I thought.

I look over at Rose who is imagining herself in different hairstyles. And apparently, she thinks she looks fabulous in all of them.

_Rosalie will be Rosalie _I rolled my eyes.

I turned my gaze to Jasper scrutinizing. I glared at him hoping he would crack. No such luck. He is still thinking through the events of the Civil War.

And then I turned to Emmett, guess what he was thinking.

_Eggs and Bacon, Eggs and Bacon, Eggs and Bacon, _Eggs_ and Bacon_...over and over again.

I couldn't hold my laughter in and rolled around the floor laughing.

"What the Hell Emmett?!" I stood up clutching my sides.

Alice glared at Emmett.

"Okay what is going on guys? Alice is translating Pride and Prejudice into Latin. Jasper is thinking of the Civil War. Rosalie is thinking of different hairstyles that would suit her and Emmett…Emmett"

I cracked up laughing again.

"And..and Emmett…do you guys wanna know what he was thinking?"

They all nodded except for Emmett who had zoned out again.

"Okay so there's you guys thinking of something constructive and then Emmett who's like..EGGS AND BACON, EGGS AND BACON"

Then we all fell around on the floor laughing while Emmett went to get ice cream from the freezer.

_Oh well _I thought _He'll realize he can't eat it soon enough_

**What do you think? Like it? Hate it? Should I do more**

**Click that button and make my day!**


	2. WalkieTalkies and Conservatory Sex

**(A/N) Hey Guys!!!! Im back :D With another one of Emmett's adventures! This time my friend Roslyn helped me :D Her account is AliceCullen444, check out her stories, they're awesome! :D!**

**This is AH. So here Bella and Edward are your average couple, and they are in a glass conservatory going at it and Emmett thinks it's fun to record them and post it on YouTube. The rest of the gang is outside in the bushes...**

**Emmett POV**

Ladedaaa! Sitting on a glass roof thingy is sooo wicked! You can see EVERYTHING and when I say everything I mean everything. Even the two people down below.... _Ohhh hellooo naked people!_ Any ways.

"EMMETT! DON'T DISTRACT YOURSELF YOU IDIOT!" I heard Alice scream into the walky talky. "You're SUPPOSED TO BE RECORDING THEM!"

I hastily set the camera back so it was recording them again.  
"Yes m'am sorry m'am. Over"

"Why are you saying over?" Alice was getting confused.

"What was that? Over"

"You know what I said you heffalump!" Heffalump? That's a new word.

"I didn't get that over!"

"Ugh! You're so annoying." She screamed.

"Alice you have to say over after you finish. Over!" I laughed to myself and nearly fell off.

"But I don't want to say over." She pouted.

"Sorry didn't get that. Over"

"ARGH! I said over at the end. Over." Finally!

"Not in the way I wanted you to. Over."

"Frick of dickhead. Over"

"Frick? Over."

"WOULD YOU BOTH SHUT UP! Over." Came Jasper's annoyed tone.

"Yes sarge. Over" We fell silent after that. Then to amuse myself while Bella and Dickward were at it I whispered into the phone....

"Ovvveeerrr"

"EMMETT! YOU ANNOYING LITTLE BOY!" Alice screeched.

"Ovvveeerrr"

"EMMETT!"

"Ovvveeerrr"

"Emmyy, wemmy, pwease shut up? " Rosalie said.

"Ovvveee- OOOOH MY ROSSY POO!"

"Yes it's me Emmy Bear" I could hear the grin in her voice.

"Roger that!"

"Emmett! You can only say 'Roger That' when I give you an instruction." Alice moaned.

"Roger that"

"GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!" Her enraged voice came into the phone "Stop it!"

"Romeo that!"

"Romeo?" Rosalie asked.

"Instead of roger, Romeo, they both start with R." I grinned evilly.

"Why did we HAVE to give him his walky talky?" Alice huffed.  
"Because Alice I am your favourite brother who you love dearly. Suck my ass bitch!"

"What the duck Emmett? That was random. Anyways... no Edward is, he's so much more sensible than you." I started dry sobbing after that.

Suddenly we all heard a huge moan from down below. I got overly excited because of the entertainment material that was going to be on this video to be posted on YouTube. I jumped up in excitement and came down hard on the glass roof.

"Uh-oh," I squeaked as roof began to crack underneath my feet.

"WAAAAAHHHHHHH!" I yelled as I fell through the roof and landed on the bed where Edward and Bella were going at it.

"WHAT THE FUCK EMMETT?!" Edward screeched at me. Bella however, was in her own heaven and did not notice. I looked between them panicked.

"ABORT! ABORT!" I yelled and ran out of the conservatory out into the bushes.

**ROSALIE POV**

Everyone had already left and I was stuck in the bushes struggling to fight my way out and I had dirt all over me!

"FUCK YOU EMMETT!" I yelled. I turned and saw Edward and Bella shrug at the scene before them and go back to their um business.

**(A/N) So what did you guys think?? Funny? Not funny? Better than the last one? Worse than the last one? Tell me :D! Also me and my friend have another idea. Emmett with a Voodoo doll......**


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